Drinking coffee in space

Awesome.

Thank You Kanye West, Thank You

Last night Kanye did an interview on Conan that could only be described as the most awkward interview ever conducted on television, ever. There is seriously something wrong with this guy. Even Conan is clearly struggling. My favorite parts are when he talks about how he's going to "make a change" with respect to the paparazzi (4:00) and when he tells Conan that he has to "use the bathroom really, really bad," in the middle of a sentence. Woooow, are you gonna use the big boy urinal? Who tells a talk show host they have to go to the bathroom? Are you informing your handlers you need your diapee changed? And sure Kanye, you're really the first celebrity to get pissed off at the paparazzi. I'm sure your lawyers will come up with something Brangelina's and Madonna's didn't. Are you gonna run for governor, because bad news, you can barely speak.

Hey here's an idea you rich son of a bitch, move out of LA you dumb bastard. I've never heard of anyone complaining of the paps in Minneapolis, oh god I'm not even going to pretend you might leave the country. Here's an alternative... New York. You, know, Manhattan? The city where all the celebrities go when they don't want their photo taken? Last time I checked, you can make music anywhere, and you're fithly spankin' rich. If you think I'm coming down too hard on this retard, note that in the interview he compares his opposition to the paparazzi to the civil rights movement. The CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT. I put it in all caps, so you know that's a preposterous claim. I know thousands of people have tackled this issue before, but I'm going to say it anyway. Your shitty fans pay you MILLIONS to sing shittily and electronically distort your voice. They buy your shitty clothes because you tell them to even though your clothing is just nerdy. Your clothing blows, you're just proving that if a celebrity puts their name on a bag of shit, it becomes fashionable. Just try watching the entire interview without thinking, "Ok, I know he's rich and famous and everything, but I'm pretty sure I'm just looking at a dork who wandered onto the set of Conan while on his way to ComicCon, did he just say he has to go to the bathroom? His Mom definately dressed him. Oh shit, bitch is dead."

So they buy your overpriced CDs and clothing so that you can live in some mansion, and oh yeah they buy the magazines that have photos of you because, for some reason that elludes me completely, they want to see pictures of you. So really, when you say you don't like the paps what you're really saying is, fuck your fans. As long as they're faithfully buying the worthless shit you put your name on, you're happy, but the second they want something from you, you whine like Sarah Palin talking about the press. You basically get paid to have pictures taken of you and you act like you're a non-Arab in Darfur. Grow the fuck up, be a man, stop telling people you have to use the bathroom.



Here's another video of Kanye being awful in case you missed it. It's the video he made with Mike Meyers during Katrina. First, I'd like to point out that I agree that George Bush probably doesn't care about black people, frankly I don't think he really cares about anybody. Second, Katrina was obviously horrible. But both of these facts don't make what Kanye's saying not retarded and hilarious... assuming you can get past the awfulness of the context, which thanks to my apparently absentee conscience, I seemingly have no problem doing. Watch for Mike Meyers reactions since Kanye obviously went off script, something that clearly totally helped his cause. Watch till the very end, I promise you on my cat's life (the one I don't like) you will not regret it.

Mormonism

In case you didn't know just how straight up crazy Mormons are, here's a video to educate you.

Highlights:

1. God lives near a star named Kolob with his many Goddess wives, where they produce billions of spirit children.

2. Black people are all those spirits who refused to pick Jesus over Lucifer.

3. The spirits who fought most valiantly would be born into Mormon families, they would be "white and delightsome."

4. Jesus had three wives and fathered several children.

5. Mormons believe that there is polygamy in the after life, and that they can become Gods who will rule over other worlds.

Another great one from Fail Blog

Bumper Cars

My friend Amy has revealed a miraculous website to me called failblog.org. Possibly the greatest site, below are a couple of my favs.

Open Mic - Village Lantern

Ok, so I have a video from last night, it's short, because I've been sucking lately. Well really, I sucked Monday, then did Open Mics on Tuesday and Wednesday, and didn't work on my material at all in between, so I really shouldn't have expected to improve. So anyway, here's a short clip of all that could be salvaged from last night's sad performance.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Sick Stand Up

Apparently with sickness comes lack of creativity and funniness, which means I did Open Mics on Monday and Tuesday, and basically bombed both times and I'm all set for the trifecta tonight, since I'm signed up for another open mic. From the last two nights have managed to salvage about a minute and a half that is funny, and that is below.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Breaking News: Ted Haggard can make excuses.

Ted Haggard was an evangelical christian preacher and head of the largest evangelical christian group until he was forced to resign at admitting to doing meth and have gay sex with a male prostitute, Mike Jones. He recently said that his sins were caused by the fact that he was molested as a child by one of his father's employees.

No word yet on whether O.J.'s newest defense, "I was kidnapped and robbed of my sports memorabilia as a child," will get him past the parole board.

^{Enjoy this little bucket of creepy.}

Palin: The Past is the Past... which means it doesn't matter OK?!

According to CNN.com, at a recent press conference, Sarah Palin said, "As far as we're concerned, the past is the past," said Palin. "We're focused on the future. [The future] is next year..." Leaving OJ's most recent legal-defense team thinking, "Why didn't we think of that?" The past is the past judge! Why get all hung up on it? I'm sure OJ will be a perfectly upstanding citizen, after all, it's not like he has a history... OK, now I'd like to confess something, I once killed a hobo just to see what it felt like... but that's all in the past right? That doesn't matter any more, weeeeeee! Fyi, I'm gonna have a little dog-fight in my backyard tomorrow, you're all welcome to come, and if you're at all worried that the police or your conscience might hunt you down, remember, tomorrow will just be the past in two days.

P.S. By the way, someone should tell her that the future isn't just next year, it's a bit longer than that.

Open Mic at the Broadway Comedy Club

I'm pretty proud of this brand new set. If it sounds like not many people are laughing, I'd like to point out that there were only like six or seven people there by the time I got up, which was at the very, very end. Going up last is a very mixed bag. On the one hand, everyone is exhausted from two hours of awkward unfunny aspiring-comedians; on the other hand, people are pretty desperate to laugh. Anyway, even though the laughs aren't overwhelming on the video, I was pretty pleased while I was up there with the reception I was getting, which is not something I say or feel often. I'm also happy that I knew the set was good before I performed it, because generally I don't really know what's gonna hit or not. Hopefully that means I'm progressing. I was also pretty much swear-free, which I think is an interesting challenge.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Also, interesting note, a 15-year-old kid performed last night and he was awesome. He looked about ten and he had shoulder-length black hair. His name was Ari and if he sticks with it he's gonna be famous. One of his jokes went something like, "I'm Jewish, but I'm so small I could fit in an easy bake oven."

Joke Sperms

1. Erin Majors once said, "A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." What he forgot to mention was that the first candle is now completely unnecessary. You can now kill that candle.

2. I'll tell you what I don't like about retarded people... they totally ruined the word "special."

Breaking News: 8-year-olds aren't ready for guns

According to Reverend John Sauter, Vincent Romero (who was recently slain by his 8-year-old child) taught his son how to use a rifle. In reference to the case St. Johns Police Chief Roy Melnick said, "I'm not accusing anybody of anything at this point," he said Saturday. "But we're certainly going to look at the abuse part of this. He's 8 years old. He just doesn't decide one day that he's going to shoot his father and shoot his father's friend for no reason. Something led up to this." This is despite the fact that, according to CNN.com "The boy had no record of complaints with Arizona Child Protective Services, said Apache County Attorney Brad Carlyon." No word yet on how much of an impact teaching the 8-year-old to use a rifle had on this case, but early estimates place it somewhere in the neighborhood of "100-fucking-percent."

Joke Sperm

Go to school, study hard, graduate, work hard, save your money for 30 years, and when you can finally afford to buy something nice with it, people will be kind enough to claim you're having a mid-life crisis.

Palin's Photographic Memory

This is from an article on CNN.com. "In response to the allegations that [Palin] was ill-prepared for interviews and debate, Randy Scheunemann, an aide assigned to Palin, called her "brilliant" and said she has a "photographic memory."

Photographic memory. Really? It's actually true, she does have a photographic memory, but sadly it only works on landscapes and dark abysses. Get it? Because her mind is like a big empty space.

They'll just say anything won't they? They don't even care about logic or reality anymore. Sarah Palin won the nobel prize in economics, she's just like that liberal President everyone liked on the West Wing. I don't get why no one likes her, I mean she has literally PERFECT pitch. Angels are jealous. And she can fly. Swear to god. Show me proof that she can't. I will absolutely not listen to any anonymous sources which make the false allegation that Sarah Palin cannot fly.

Joke Sperm

Since I only do one or two open mics a week, I've decided I'm gonna try to post a joke idea either every day or every other day just to keep things interesting. Almost every day I get ideas for jokes that I jot down, they're rarely complete jokes, just maybe the beginning of something, which is why I'm referring to them as "joke sperm."

So here's today's joke sperm:

I am so happy Barack Obama won the presidency... but I have one slight problem. Now I feel really awkward when a black person is serving me in some capacity. Like, "Heyyyy, I know this is a big moment for you, first black President, possibly the conclusion to the final chapter of 400 years of oppression... can you get me a chai latte?" I feel like they are totally entitled to just be like, "Yeah, no." I was surprised that Phillie fans went work the day after the World Series, and what did they accomplish? They overcame 100 measly years of sucking. Black people have basically been dominating shit since they got here: the peanut, baseball, basketball, but they had to fight tooth and nail just to be able to play. The Phillies were allowed to play... they just blew. So what I'm saying is, we should give black people a week off... it's not like they work anywayOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I couldn't resist. I hate race jokes, but with my limited intellect, that seems like the only place that joke can go, so it will probably get scrapped since I can't immediately come up with a good conclusion . I guess I could work at it.

I'd say comment on whether you think these jokes have legs or not, but you won't, so I'm just not gonna bring it up.

Open Mic at Stand Up NY

Two things:

1. You might notice some audio irregularities when I say "Tropic Thunder." That's because for some reason, I got it in my head that the name of the movie was "Tropic of Thunder" and that annoyed me so much that I attempted to edit out the "of."

2. Another interesting thing is that at this open mic I also tried out my "Coinstar" joke. That's a joke lots of people tend to like, but this time it bombed. The joke goes something like, "I was on my way to a coinstar machine with a clear cup filled with change, and I was worried about what I'd do if a homeless person asked me for change. But then I figured, I'd just pretend like I was the greatest homeless person ever." This time I replaced "greatest homeless person ever" with "most succesful beggar ever." Being the obsessively literal person that I am, it simply seemed more accurate, but it just plays way worse and I think it kind of makes sense. Even though "greatest homeless person" doesn't make complete sense separate and apart from the rest of the joke, I think it does make sense in context and most importantly it is almost oxymoronical because one would rarely consider any homeless person to be "great," yet technically a beggar could be succesful.

Marathon Man

Some of you who know me are familiar with a little video I made a while ago called "Marathon Man," and have mentioned that I should post it here. The site it's up on has been "closing" for about a year now, but the video is still up there, so the link is below. They don't allow for embedding, so you'll have to go there to view the video. And, uhm, if you run marathons... maybe don't watch it, because I make fun of you, no offense. That being said, follow this link to see my first foray into planned comedy.

Sorry for not posting it here, but my copy of the video was lost in the tragic demise of my last hard drive.