Tenth Open Mic

Here's me making fun of Michael Phelps, the olympics and my friend Eric.

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Drinking coffee in space

Awesome.

Thank You Kanye West, Thank You

Last night Kanye did an interview on Conan that could only be described as the most awkward interview ever conducted on television, ever. There is seriously something wrong with this guy. Even Conan is clearly struggling. My favorite parts are when he talks about how he's going to "make a change" with respect to the paparazzi (4:00) and when he tells Conan that he has to "use the bathroom really, really bad," in the middle of a sentence. Woooow, are you gonna use the big boy urinal? Who tells a talk show host they have to go to the bathroom? Are you informing your handlers you need your diapee changed? And sure Kanye, you're really the first celebrity to get pissed off at the paparazzi. I'm sure your lawyers will come up with something Brangelina's and Madonna's didn't. Are you gonna run for governor, because bad news, you can barely speak.

Hey here's an idea you rich son of a bitch, move out of LA you dumb bastard. I've never heard of anyone complaining of the paps in Minneapolis, oh god I'm not even going to pretend you might leave the country. Here's an alternative... New York. You, know, Manhattan? The city where all the celebrities go when they don't want their photo taken? Last time I checked, you can make music anywhere, and you're fithly spankin' rich. If you think I'm coming down too hard on this retard, note that in the interview he compares his opposition to the paparazzi to the civil rights movement. The CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT. I put it in all caps, so you know that's a preposterous claim. I know thousands of people have tackled this issue before, but I'm going to say it anyway. Your shitty fans pay you MILLIONS to sing shittily and electronically distort your voice. They buy your shitty clothes because you tell them to even though your clothing is just nerdy. Your clothing blows, you're just proving that if a celebrity puts their name on a bag of shit, it becomes fashionable. Just try watching the entire interview without thinking, "Ok, I know he's rich and famous and everything, but I'm pretty sure I'm just looking at a dork who wandered onto the set of Conan while on his way to ComicCon, did he just say he has to go to the bathroom? His Mom definately dressed him. Oh shit, bitch is dead."

So they buy your overpriced CDs and clothing so that you can live in some mansion, and oh yeah they buy the magazines that have photos of you because, for some reason that elludes me completely, they want to see pictures of you. So really, when you say you don't like the paps what you're really saying is, fuck your fans. As long as they're faithfully buying the worthless shit you put your name on, you're happy, but the second they want something from you, you whine like Sarah Palin talking about the press. You basically get paid to have pictures taken of you and you act like you're a non-Arab in Darfur. Grow the fuck up, be a man, stop telling people you have to use the bathroom.



Here's another video of Kanye being awful in case you missed it. It's the video he made with Mike Meyers during Katrina. First, I'd like to point out that I agree that George Bush probably doesn't care about black people, frankly I don't think he really cares about anybody. Second, Katrina was obviously horrible. But both of these facts don't make what Kanye's saying not retarded and hilarious... assuming you can get past the awfulness of the context, which thanks to my apparently absentee conscience, I seemingly have no problem doing. Watch for Mike Meyers reactions since Kanye obviously went off script, something that clearly totally helped his cause. Watch till the very end, I promise you on my cat's life (the one I don't like) you will not regret it.

Mormonism

In case you didn't know just how straight up crazy Mormons are, here's a video to educate you.

Highlights:

1. God lives near a star named Kolob with his many Goddess wives, where they produce billions of spirit children.

2. Black people are all those spirits who refused to pick Jesus over Lucifer.

3. The spirits who fought most valiantly would be born into Mormon families, they would be "white and delightsome."

4. Jesus had three wives and fathered several children.

5. Mormons believe that there is polygamy in the after life, and that they can become Gods who will rule over other worlds.

Another great one from Fail Blog

Bumper Cars

My friend Amy has revealed a miraculous website to me called failblog.org. Possibly the greatest site, below are a couple of my favs.

Open Mic - Village Lantern

Ok, so I have a video from last night, it's short, because I've been sucking lately. Well really, I sucked Monday, then did Open Mics on Tuesday and Wednesday, and didn't work on my material at all in between, so I really shouldn't have expected to improve. So anyway, here's a short clip of all that could be salvaged from last night's sad performance.

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Sick Stand Up

Apparently with sickness comes lack of creativity and funniness, which means I did Open Mics on Monday and Tuesday, and basically bombed both times and I'm all set for the trifecta tonight, since I'm signed up for another open mic. From the last two nights have managed to salvage about a minute and a half that is funny, and that is below.

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Breaking News: Ted Haggard can make excuses.

Ted Haggard was an evangelical christian preacher and head of the largest evangelical christian group until he was forced to resign at admitting to doing meth and have gay sex with a male prostitute, Mike Jones. He recently said that his sins were caused by the fact that he was molested as a child by one of his father's employees.

No word yet on whether O.J.'s newest defense, "I was kidnapped and robbed of my sports memorabilia as a child," will get him past the parole board.

^{Enjoy this little bucket of creepy.}

Palin: The Past is the Past... which means it doesn't matter OK?!

According to CNN.com, at a recent press conference, Sarah Palin said, "As far as we're concerned, the past is the past," said Palin. "We're focused on the future. [The future] is next year..." Leaving OJ's most recent legal-defense team thinking, "Why didn't we think of that?" The past is the past judge! Why get all hung up on it? I'm sure OJ will be a perfectly upstanding citizen, after all, it's not like he has a history... OK, now I'd like to confess something, I once killed a hobo just to see what it felt like... but that's all in the past right? That doesn't matter any more, weeeeeee! Fyi, I'm gonna have a little dog-fight in my backyard tomorrow, you're all welcome to come, and if you're at all worried that the police or your conscience might hunt you down, remember, tomorrow will just be the past in two days.

P.S. By the way, someone should tell her that the future isn't just next year, it's a bit longer than that.

Open Mic at the Broadway Comedy Club

I'm pretty proud of this brand new set. If it sounds like not many people are laughing, I'd like to point out that there were only like six or seven people there by the time I got up, which was at the very, very end. Going up last is a very mixed bag. On the one hand, everyone is exhausted from two hours of awkward unfunny aspiring-comedians; on the other hand, people are pretty desperate to laugh. Anyway, even though the laughs aren't overwhelming on the video, I was pretty pleased while I was up there with the reception I was getting, which is not something I say or feel often. I'm also happy that I knew the set was good before I performed it, because generally I don't really know what's gonna hit or not. Hopefully that means I'm progressing. I was also pretty much swear-free, which I think is an interesting challenge.

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Also, interesting note, a 15-year-old kid performed last night and he was awesome. He looked about ten and he had shoulder-length black hair. His name was Ari and if he sticks with it he's gonna be famous. One of his jokes went something like, "I'm Jewish, but I'm so small I could fit in an easy bake oven."

Joke Sperms

1. Erin Majors once said, "A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." What he forgot to mention was that the first candle is now completely unnecessary. You can now kill that candle.

2. I'll tell you what I don't like about retarded people... they totally ruined the word "special."

Breaking News: 8-year-olds aren't ready for guns

According to Reverend John Sauter, Vincent Romero (who was recently slain by his 8-year-old child) taught his son how to use a rifle. In reference to the case St. Johns Police Chief Roy Melnick said, "I'm not accusing anybody of anything at this point," he said Saturday. "But we're certainly going to look at the abuse part of this. He's 8 years old. He just doesn't decide one day that he's going to shoot his father and shoot his father's friend for no reason. Something led up to this." This is despite the fact that, according to CNN.com "The boy had no record of complaints with Arizona Child Protective Services, said Apache County Attorney Brad Carlyon." No word yet on how much of an impact teaching the 8-year-old to use a rifle had on this case, but early estimates place it somewhere in the neighborhood of "100-fucking-percent."

Joke Sperm

Go to school, study hard, graduate, work hard, save your money for 30 years, and when you can finally afford to buy something nice with it, people will be kind enough to claim you're having a mid-life crisis.

Palin's Photographic Memory

This is from an article on CNN.com. "In response to the allegations that [Palin] was ill-prepared for interviews and debate, Randy Scheunemann, an aide assigned to Palin, called her "brilliant" and said she has a "photographic memory."

Photographic memory. Really? It's actually true, she does have a photographic memory, but sadly it only works on landscapes and dark abysses. Get it? Because her mind is like a big empty space.

They'll just say anything won't they? They don't even care about logic or reality anymore. Sarah Palin won the nobel prize in economics, she's just like that liberal President everyone liked on the West Wing. I don't get why no one likes her, I mean she has literally PERFECT pitch. Angels are jealous. And she can fly. Swear to god. Show me proof that she can't. I will absolutely not listen to any anonymous sources which make the false allegation that Sarah Palin cannot fly.

Joke Sperm

Since I only do one or two open mics a week, I've decided I'm gonna try to post a joke idea either every day or every other day just to keep things interesting. Almost every day I get ideas for jokes that I jot down, they're rarely complete jokes, just maybe the beginning of something, which is why I'm referring to them as "joke sperm."

So here's today's joke sperm:

I am so happy Barack Obama won the presidency... but I have one slight problem. Now I feel really awkward when a black person is serving me in some capacity. Like, "Heyyyy, I know this is a big moment for you, first black President, possibly the conclusion to the final chapter of 400 years of oppression... can you get me a chai latte?" I feel like they are totally entitled to just be like, "Yeah, no." I was surprised that Phillie fans went work the day after the World Series, and what did they accomplish? They overcame 100 measly years of sucking. Black people have basically been dominating shit since they got here: the peanut, baseball, basketball, but they had to fight tooth and nail just to be able to play. The Phillies were allowed to play... they just blew. So what I'm saying is, we should give black people a week off... it's not like they work anywayOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I couldn't resist. I hate race jokes, but with my limited intellect, that seems like the only place that joke can go, so it will probably get scrapped since I can't immediately come up with a good conclusion . I guess I could work at it.

I'd say comment on whether you think these jokes have legs or not, but you won't, so I'm just not gonna bring it up.

Open Mic at Stand Up NY

Two things:

1. You might notice some audio irregularities when I say "Tropic Thunder." That's because for some reason, I got it in my head that the name of the movie was "Tropic of Thunder" and that annoyed me so much that I attempted to edit out the "of."

2. Another interesting thing is that at this open mic I also tried out my "Coinstar" joke. That's a joke lots of people tend to like, but this time it bombed. The joke goes something like, "I was on my way to a coinstar machine with a clear cup filled with change, and I was worried about what I'd do if a homeless person asked me for change. But then I figured, I'd just pretend like I was the greatest homeless person ever." This time I replaced "greatest homeless person ever" with "most succesful beggar ever." Being the obsessively literal person that I am, it simply seemed more accurate, but it just plays way worse and I think it kind of makes sense. Even though "greatest homeless person" doesn't make complete sense separate and apart from the rest of the joke, I think it does make sense in context and most importantly it is almost oxymoronical because one would rarely consider any homeless person to be "great," yet technically a beggar could be succesful.

Marathon Man

Some of you who know me are familiar with a little video I made a while ago called "Marathon Man," and have mentioned that I should post it here. The site it's up on has been "closing" for about a year now, but the video is still up there, so the link is below. They don't allow for embedding, so you'll have to go there to view the video. And, uhm, if you run marathons... maybe don't watch it, because I make fun of you, no offense. That being said, follow this link to see my first foray into planned comedy.

Sorry for not posting it here, but my copy of the video was lost in the tragic demise of my last hard drive.

Quote of the Day

"How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation. Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right? Third, don't say anything else, either." - Jonathon Rauch

Palin, Swayze

There's obviously been a lot of talk about how hot Sarah Palin is, and indeed she's probably the hottest politician in the universe, but that's about as coveted a title as world's tallest midget. Personally, I think she looks like a tranny, what with the heavy cheek makeup and the pronounced jaw-line. But not just any tranny, specifically Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything. Don't believe me? Using the most advanced computer graphics software my team put some glasses on Swayze to make the comparison more accurate.

There you have it, Sarah Palin is a tranny. Check and mate.

The Republicans' New Secret Weapon

So I think I've discovered the Republican Party's strategy with respect to women, and I'll give you a hint, it's not intelligence.


So everyone knows Palin, and probably by now everyone knows Bachmann as the soon-to-be-former Senator who wanted to reopen the House Committee on Un-American activities. One thing you might not know is that she once said that her political views were determined when she was reading Gore Vidal's, Burr: "He was kind of mocking the Founding Fathers and I just thought, 'I just remember reading the book, putting it in my lap, looking out the window and thinking, 'You know what? I don't think I am a Democrat. I must be a Republican." Yeah well if Gore Vidal thinks it ALL democrats must think it. You know what, I'm not a democrat because I believe in equal pay for equal work, or equality for gays, or in striving for universal healthcare, nope, I'm a democrat because Rush Limbaugh is a fat sack of shit. I don't like him, so I must not be a republican. Ew and that Larry Craig likes gay sex in disgusting bathroom stalls, I'm ok with the gay sex, but bathroom stalls?! No thank you republican party.

Now you might be wondering why the dumb bitch from The View is up there. Well according to CNN.com Palin just asked her to come on the campaign trail with her. Let's analyze this for a second. I mean maybe it's not that she's just a pretty face. Maybe she's a bright lady with some kind political experience... or some skill whatsoever... "participant in the reality tv show Survivor"... Wow. Hmmm. Now I've always thought that Republican party was pretty pro-retard, what with George W., McCain (72 years old and even in his prime he was in the bottom 1% of his class at Annapolis), Palin went to a handfull of schools, Dick Cheney was born full grown from a test tube on board the Death Star, but now they've taken it a step farther. Hey maybe this is a step in the right direction, at least now their half-wits are easy on the eyes. Maybe this Hasselback decision was made after an intensive coast-to-coast search of America for someone who actually makes Palin look smarter. Maybe we should be thankful, I think this guy was next on the list:

Open Mic at Ochi's

So below is basically a video of me bombing despite the fact that I felt like I was doing a good job, I'm too bummed to really edit it, so you get to see it in all its glory. But I just want to say, I think the audience was shit, and I'm not saying that because of their reaction to me, though obviously that's a factor. There were several good people doing comedy there and the audience just wasn't giving them much. But if you disagree you can feel free to let me know.

Be afraid of Nancy Grace... Be very afraid

Start paying attention around the 37 second mark.



Jesus Nancy Grace, are you taking notes? The video will be on the internet in four seconds you can go back and get the ingredients if it's so damn important. Is it just me, or is there a hint of joy/relief in her voice at 2:18 when she says, "All I have to do is go down to the Duane Reade and I too could make cloroform?" Yes you twisted bitch. Hey could you repeat those ingredients a couple more times, I think there were a few child rapists who didn't quite get the recipe. Yes Nancy Grace, as Fight Club has taught us, you can make almost any crazy thing you want with over the counter items... what we don't need are retards with weird blonde bobs broadcasting the recipes over national television. God what a fucking tard, did you know that the recipes in Fight Club were actually changed for the movie, the ingredients listed don't actually make explosives, but fucking dumb-ass, ugly-ass redneck Nancy Grace gets to say whatever the fuck she wants? God I hope she dies... in like 40 years. That's a completely reasonable time for her to die. Oh man but if the Predator killed her tomorrow I wouldn't be sad. Why does he limit himself to commandos and archeologists, he should branch out, at least that's what my mom always says.

Why the Right is so Wrong

"In his endorsement of Barack Obama last week, former Bush administration Secretary of State Colin Powell said that "I have heard senior members of my own party drop the suggestion, 'He's a Muslim and he might be associated [with] terrorists.' "

This is a serious accusation to level, and Powell ought to have had the courage to name names." - James Kirchick

Seriously? Seriously! ...Seriously, James Kirchick? This is so fucking indicative of the goddamn brass of the republicans. Anytime someone deviates for a second from the party line, their patriotism and their courage comes into question. Ooo, you won the 2006 National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association Excellence in Student Journalism Award , yeah that really puts to shame Powell's Bronze Star, Distinguished Service Medal, Vietnam Service Medal, Army Service Medal and oh yeah PURPLE FUCKING HEART you pompous fucking ASSHOLE. Look, I hate the military-industrial-complex, war and warmongers, but even I won't to stoop to the level that these right wing pundits, who claim to be the real patriots, have stooped. I never really liked McCain, and as of late I've come to downright hate him, but neither me nor any left-wing pundit has ever questioned his courage, and yet right wing pundits are permitted to go around questioning the patriotism of American heroes, whether republican (Powell) or democrat (Kerry or triple-amputee/veteran Max Cleland). And yes I said "permitted." They are permitted by the piece-of-shit independents who don't hold this stuff against these heartless assholes. I'm a registered democrat, do I agree with everything the democrats put forward, no. Do I believe in some of the conservative ideals, absolutely (things like the free market, none of the social issues). But you know what, until they get their shit together, stop pandering to the religious right and start conducting themselves like humans with some semblance of a pulse, I'm not giving them shit, let alone my vote, and anyone who refuses to pick a side is failing to punish people who demonstrate day after day that they have zero familiarity with the concepts of decency, honesty, or compassion.

Oh, he's gay too. Seriously. Kirchick. This fucking retard is defending a party that would absolutely make what he does in his bedroom with his bantam-weight, tube-top and speedo-wearing Dominican-lover (I just made that stuff up about his lover, I'm sure he's a very nice gentleman) COMPLETELY ILLEGAL! Clearly a guy whose ability to reason is in perfect working order. Hey Kirchick I hear the clan is recruiting, better yet, the Iranian government just loves the gays, and you're all full of sass and courage, you should go over there, I think you'd like it, and you don't need a military escort, the military is just full of pussies like Colin Powell, not a single Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association Journalist of the Year Award among them. Anyway have fun in Iran they're very, very right wing. Fucking douche.

The Daily Show and Real America

Here's a great clip from the Daily Show that explores why Alaska is really the real America, and why we're just a buncha fakers.

And Jesus Wept

Yeah, you can't un-see that. This guy is great, he not only decided to put that on and do that dance, but he filmed it, and allowed thousands of people to see it, I'd say he's got some big balls, but sadly that outfit left little to the imagination. Am I the only one who sees a potential Foot Loose sequel in this video?

(Thanks to Kitty for the video via away message)

Biden a terrorist, Joe the Plumber, Sage

I have long felt that the beauty of Republican arguments is how they don't survive even the most minimal of scrutiny. The big news item is that Joe Biden said that within 6 months of being in office Obama will be tested. They've been making quite a big deal about it, but of course not going into detail about WHY they are going on about it. Do they think Joe Biden is clairvoyant, or do they think he's a terrorist who's not only planning an attack but let the entire world in on his little plan through the mother of all Freudian slips? And anyway, I thought you needed a middle name like Hussein to be a terrorist.

Here's another argument recently made by Sarah Palin who's decided to let someone else, someone probably even dumber than she, fight her rhetorical battles for her. "I'm not going to call him a socialist, but as 'Joe the Plumber' has said, it looks like socialism to him." Oh well if Joe I-don't-actually-have-a-plumber's-license the Plumber says it, it MUST be true. After all, all kinda-Plumbers are amateur political scientists. How about this, ask Joe the Redneck what the difference between Socialism and Communism is. Ask him what Socialism is for all I care, because I'm a hundred percent confident he wouldn't know Marxism from his own over-exposed hairy ass crack.

Stand Up NY

Below is a new open mic from Stand Up NY, you might notice that it's pretty short... mainly because I stuttered and stammered through about half of my set. Obviously I tried once again to do a joke I thought up the day of and this time it was chaos. I think I was a bit too cocky after my previous two sets. I think the joke was just a little too complex to just work through out on stage, and quite possibly not very funny. There's no real punchline in it and I think that if I'm just gonna riff on stage the joke needs to have a pretty simple premise and a clear punchline that I can throw out there at the right time. I also felt compelled to remove the truly heinous parts of the set because the parts I left in were not particularly well received either. But I think they're quality, and though there was laughter, I think the audience wasn't particularly in the mood to laugh. Or maybe the jokes just weren't funny.

Judge for yourself:


And since I feel like a cheat for cutting out the weakest part of the set, here's the joke that bombed, though it should be noted that the joke should not bare the brunt of the blame, I barely told the whole thing, and I messed up a good portion of the parts I did get to.

I love how the media tries to be equal even when it doesn’t make sense. Like I read this article about how McCain hasn’t released enough of his medical records, and they were like, plus Joe Biden had two aneurisms removed… has he been getting regular checkups, we don’t knoooooow. Are they saying maybe he hasn’t been getting the checkups? Because if so, then I’m pretty sure the title of the article should have been, breaking news, Joe Biden has death wish. And then they tried to make a big deal about how Obama and Palin have only released one page of medical records which were basically like, "yeah we’re fine." Yeah that’s about all I need to hear from them. They’re in their forties, no one dies in their forties by something we can see coming, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say they don’t have cancer. What're we afraid Obama may have a serious case of tennis elbow and Palin might have a bad back? Look it’s ok to want to see McCain’s record because he’s old, it’s not age-ist. Did you know that a recent scientific study found that 100% of old people… DIE.

Yeah, not funny. I think there's a funny idea in there somewhere... but I didn't find it.

But I'd like to briefly take you inside the world of the open mic, there are certain recurring characters or personalities. A very common one is the person who treats the open mic like it's a real gig. I don't know where this illusion begins for these people, but it must be at some point after we pay the $5 for 5 minutes of stage time. One guy "worked the audience" for his whole five minutes. Have you noticed that I always am a little hesitant to label the people watching as "audience members?" That's because it's generally comprised solely of open mic'ers. For some reason working an audience of open mic'ers just seems silly. Also, now I'm no laughalogist, but I think working the audience is basically a skill reserved for masters, which believe me, he wasn't. Not that I am, or anyone else at these things is, but the point of the open mic is, in my opinion, is to try out your jokes. Not only that, but 5 minutes is nothing, something I'm learning the hard way. I've been trying to banter a little and tie my jokes in with what other people have been saying, and that's been cutting my time in half.

Anyway, another guy got up there and gave us shit for not applauding loud enough. This is really ridiculous, we don't even know the guy and in a sense we're all there to work. That's one of the hardest things about doing open mics, your "audience" isn't really there to laugh, they're there to try out material, and often times they're going over that material while they're waiting to go up. But whatever, that's the way it is, and to be fair the audiences in all the videos I have up were pretty cool and attentive. But anyway, this is guy goes on for like a minute and a half about how we're not giving him enough applause... then the poor guy bombs out of control. Hiroshima was less tragic. I mean tragic, that-has-never-happened-to-me-not-even-my-first-time bomb. Like children would be scarred for life and pregnant women would miscarry, bomb. He managed to stumble though a couple of bad one-liners before forgetting... everything... literally. He spent another minute or two on stage muttering about how he forgot his jokes and then gave up and just sat down well before his time was up. Now I'm not making fun of the guy, I'm sure something like that will happen to me someday, and he could be the next Chris Rock for all I know, but he deserved what he got because he was acting like we weren't at an open mic. 1. He didn't bring any material up with him, just in case. Now practicing for the real thing seems like a good idea, but this guy was trying to sprint before he could crawl, and no one is impressed by people who don't bring up material on index cards or a piece of paper. Not to mention, real comics (e.g. Sarah Silverman) still bring material up on stage with them, at least when they do small venues. 2. He gave us shit about not applauding loud enough. Now that shit might work on a real audience but it just seems out of place in an open mic, he's working a crowd that isn't there, he might as well be asking amputees to clap louder, just awkward, borderline insensitive.

God, I really feel bad for the guy, if he hadn't bombed so bad I'd be giving him more shit, and I was planning on giving him shit when I got up there, like saying something like, "You're giving us crap about not getting involved enough, but you couldn't take you phone-ear-piece out before you came on stage, you expecting a call?"

Look, these open mic'ers are a good crowd, these people have a lot of courage, heart, dedication and faith in themselves. A lot of people bomb, probably a good 30% only get a couple of pity laughs (even the worst get pity laughs, that's how kind these open mic'ers are, despite the fact that we're all tired and bored and every bad set makes it that much more painful), but generally the heart these people are showing makes up for it. This guy just really rubbed me the wrong way. You could tell that he was just doing it because he thought, "My friends say I'm funny, I'll become a comedian and make a bunch of money." He went up there, told a couple of contrived one liners about him and his parole officer and jail (he was black, so I think he was just like, "Oh I know, I'm black I'll tell jail jokes"). So you know what, he deserved what he got. He wasn't there out of a love for comedy or at least a love for the open mics, he was just there out of greed and stupidity.

What I mean by love of the open mics is that, a lot of people who do them don't really seem to want to become succesful comedians. A lot of them are seriously there for group therapy. They just go up there and talk about their lives and the depressing shit in them. Here's an example of one GEM that I've been hearing a lot lately. "I got fired recently... sucks." Brilliant! No fucking punchline, just sheer misery. Hahaha it's ABSURD, I don't know what possesses these people, maybe shrinks are just too expensive, but it's SO common. Anyway, I've ranted long enough. Hope you enjoyed the video... doubt you enjoyed the rant, but I thought some people might be interested in the open mic culture.

UPDATE: The video has eight views on funny or die, one live vote and two die votes... and I think I gave it the one live vote, so maybe the shit just ain't funny. You can let me know what you think through comments, because I really thought these were good, if somewhat poorly delivered. And don't be afraid to give bad comments, if you tell me something is good that isn't I'm just gonna find out the hard way that it's not funny.

Colin Powell Endorses Barack Obama

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama, to which I can only respond, McCain needs some of that! And no I'm not saying he could use the backing of Reagan's national security adviser or a former secretary of state who is respected by republicans and democrats alike. No, I am referring to whatever stem-cell cocktail/fetus-blood/clubbed-seal martini this guy is drinking that keeps him looking that young. Compared to John McCain, who's only one year his senior, Powell looks like he should have his umbilical stuffed in his suit pocket.


Here's a completely fair and unbiased side-by-side comparison of the two:



























And:












(incidentally, also his "o" face)

And of course:





Argument over. John McCain needs some of that. Clearly. And whoever told him that soaking his face in brine and sulphuric acid was a good idea should probably be fired from the campaign, I don't care who his Dad is!

John McCain almost dies on stage

Possible captions (you can comment on which you think is the best, or just keep your opinion to yourself, I'm pretty indifferent on the issue):

"John McCain demonstrating what his first move as President would be."

"Somewhere Sarah Palin is screaming, 'Not until AFTER you win.'"

"Hairball!"

"Soooo niiiiice, want to touch the heinie."
-John McCain

"And this is what a dying robot looks like."
-John McCain

"Compared to Obama, this is what I look like!" - John McCain

Open Mic at the Village Lantern

So I've discovered that I have a certain process that I follow when writing jokes. 1. Come up with joke idea, love it. 2. Work on joke idea, like it. 3. Finish joke, hate it, don't want to do it, wind up doing whatever joke I just came up with the day of the open mic. So below is a video of my most recent open mic sesh wherein I demonstrate both my adherence to the above process as well as that I can, in fact, be made whiter through lighting. I hope the presidential debate in the background isn't too distracting.

Open Mic at Stand Up NY

Here's a video of me doing an open mic at Stand Up NY. I wasn't really prepared, which I actually explain in the video, and the majority of the video is me telling a story I had just recently been thinking about and hadn't even really written down. It starts out slow, but bare with it and I think it comes through in the end. At the very least I got good laughs, which was definitely due, at least in part, to the great comics in the audience.